If there’s one thing that really bothers me, it’s the public’s general disdain for rap music. Average Joe Citizen has no issue with the millionaire in a cowboy outfit, yodeling about cold beer, big trucks, and small town gals on a continuous loop. But when it comes to rap, people will denounce it with the passion and blind hatred of a bible-beater picketing outside a Planned Parenthood.
I understand the arguments against hip-hop, having heard many of them from my wife. When I turn on my High School Rap playlist from the early 2000s, she says the lyrics are ‘bad’ (Note: kinda true). I switch to gangster rap, and she says it’s not appropriate for our 1 ½ year old daughter (Note: very true). So in order to get my fix without my wife hating every second of it, I honed a playlist comprised of very special rap: rap for people who hate rap.
These albums — while technically of the genre — differ from run-of-the-mill rap music. They have soul. Some are upbeat. Some are inspiring and optimistic. Some feature non-traditional production styles. All of them, however, will turn you haters into lovers.
#5/4. Luke Christopher – TMRW, TMRW & TMRW, TMRW Pt. 2
Luke Christopher uses a half singing/half speaking delivery that reminds me of a mid 90s Cake album. This style combined with optimistic lyrics and uplifting choruses make the TMRW, TMRW mixtapes modern day soul music.
Note: These mixtapes are not available in iTunes but can be streamed or downloaded here:TMRW, TMRW & Pt. 2.
#3. Kid Cudi – Man on the Moon: The End of Day
I first heard Man on the Moon in December of 2009. It was so solid and so unlike anything I had heard before that I listened to nothing else for like 4 months straight, before eventually playing it out. Because of this, the album remains frozen in time. Hearing it now brings me right back to that winter, which is unfortunate because I was living in a shitty, mouse-infested rental house.
We hired an exterminator, and the mice spent all winter eating rat poison and using their final precious moments to crawl out of their nest in the basement and into my bedroom to die. Every night, I checked my floor, sheets, and pillows for dead or dying mice, turned on Kid Cudi, and went to sleep. Such good times!
#2. Chance the Rapper – Acid Rap
Applying streetsmart lyrics to musical elements of gospel, jazz and like 20 other genres, Acid Rap is a meditative and nostalgic trip that could serve as the poster boy for psychedelic drug use and its positive effects on creativity.
Also, it’s free. Even after the mainstream success of his third mixtape, Coloring Book (released earlier this summer), Chance remains unsigned and continues to hand out music.
This song, a staple of Acid Rap, was just featured on Obama’s 2016 summer playlist, so that’s neat.
#1. Kanye West – My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
Kanye has my vote for greatest rapper of all time, and whenever I share this opinion with someone, they usually demand an explanation. So I say forget everything you know about Kanye the person and listen to My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.
Recorded in Hawaii during his self-inflicted exile following the Taylor Swift incident, MBDTF reflects on life in the spotlight while Kanye embraces his role as Hollywood villain.
Despite the laundry list of collaborators — Jay Z, Kid Cudi, Rick Ross, Justin Vernon from Bon Iver — and pulling themes from his previous work, this album is its own masterpiece. It’s phenomenal.
If I were assembling a musical time capsule and could include only one album from each decade, MBDTF would be my pick for 2010-2019, and I’m willing to bet nothing released in the next 3 years changes that.
Summer is over so say goodbye
To your tan, the beach, and temps that are high
Goodbye shorts and sandals and girls in skirts
Make way for snow and ice and air that hurts
Yes, winter is coming but it’s not here yet
We have 2 months of fall, don’t you forget
So as days get shorter and temperatures drop
It doesn’t mean the fun has to stop
See this time of year is the best time of all
For grilling and beer and watching football
So here are 7 handy tips should you need a reason
To don your jersey….Hell and shit yeah! It’s tailgating season!
1. Start Early
Kickoff is at noon, and if you’re gonna reach intoxication levels of the average football fan, you need a quick start. A pre-planned morning menu with some or all of the items below will definitely set this party off right.
Pre-made Breakfast Burritos
The key to tailgating happiness is a foundation built on protein, carbs, and Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage. The best thing about these burritos is that if you make them the night before, you don’t have to screw with breakfast in the morning. Just get to your spot, toss them on the grill, and move on to more important things like drinking.
Coffee and Baileys
Coffee and Baileys takes my hopeless addictions to both caffeine and alcohol and streamlines them into a single, delicious fix. So not only do I get the essential morning pick-me-up, but a little booze on my breath as well. Isn’t that fantastic? I think so.
Note: I realize what’s pictured above is Merrys. Whoever was assigned the Irish cream must have been on a budget. But whatever, it tastes alright.
Bloody Bar
Continuing with the trend of dual-purpose alcoholic beverages, the bloody mary can be both a solid pre-gamer and a hearty snack. Garnish with a beef stick, hard boiled egg, or even a celery stalk for maximum nutrition.
Screw-ups
I do poorly with spicy shit. So when one of my hotshot buddies shows up with 5-alarm bloody mix made from the extract of the Trinidad Scorpion Pepper, I kindly say no thanks, asshole and drink screw-ups instead. OJ, vodka, and Sprite won’t win you any manliness award, but I have reached a point where even the threat of heartburn and/or scorching diarrhea trump any objection from my ego.
2. Play Lawn Games
It’s rare that I drink somewhere other than on a couch in front of a television. But for tailgating, I’m willing to leave my climate-controlled comfort zone and endure a little physical activity.
3. Run a Route
Nothing exemplifies washed-up athleticism like a bunch of vodka-fueled 30 year olds tossing the ol’ pigskin around. I mean look at this: unless he’s got 12 additional inches of vert on him (he doesn’t) this jump is critically mistimed.
Here’s another certain incompletion:
This, on the other hand, looks like a nice route and an even better pass. I bet he drops it.
4. Sacrifice the Body
This is some really good effort. You gotta be willing to lay out like that without regard for yourself or the reputation of our group as a whole. Oh well, at least nobody is watching…
5. Fire Up the Grill
Oof-dah, I am starving. Who’s on grill duty? You? Alright good. Now whatever you do…
6. Don’t Burn the Meat
What did I just say? We can’t even eat these. Now we’ll have to pay $15 for some stadium sandwich. Speaking of which, it’s almost game time.
7. Root, Root, Root for the Home Team
It is time…time for long touchdown passes, pick sixes, brain-mashing hits and you, the loyal football fan, cheering your goddamn face off. So let’s do this!!! Skol Vikes!
I like playing home bartender. I like hosting guests and then insisting those guests let me make drinks. If one declines, I insist harder — I’m like my grandmother offering leftovers. Then, once they inevitably accept, I skip to the liquor cabinet, and using fancy bar tools, mix a round while secretly pretending I’m Tom Cruise in Cocktail.
I think, mostly, guests enjoy these drinks. But even if they don’t, at least I’ve mastered some pretty damn good cocktails, and today we’re going to cover my favorite: The Manhattan.
The Ingredients
1. Bulleit rye
The first thing you’ll need is some rye whiskey, and since the Manhattan is 66% hooch you’ll want a brand that doesn’t suck. Luckily, quality comes cheap. Bulleit rye is delicious and runs about $20.
2. Martini and Rossi – Rosso Sweet Vermouth
Vermouth (pronounced ver-mooth) is a fortified wine (wine spiked with a spirit, in this case brandy). It’s sweet and floral notes accentuate the flavors of the whiskey.
Since vermouth has a wine base, it has a short shelf life. Buy the small bottles, refrigerate after opening, and enjoy within a month.
3. Angostura Aromatic Bitters
Bitters are a high-proof alcohol infused with fruit, herbs, and other flavor-packed ingredients. They help balance the cocktail.
Characterized by its oversized label, Angostura is the most recognizable brand in the bitters business and should be available at most liquor and grocery stores.
4. Maraschino cherries
Not a true ingredient per se, it’s not a dealbreaker if you don’t use cherries. However, they make a nice garnish and are a good after drink snack once they’ve absorbed a bunch of booze.
5. Ice sphere/cubes
While the Manhattan is traditionally served up (in a Martini glass, no ice), I prefer drinks on the rocks. But to prevent melting ice from diluting a beverage, I use ice spheres instead of cubes. You can get the molds here.
The Assembly
Combine in a rocks glass:
3 ounces Bulleit rye
1.5 ounces vermouth
3 dashes bitters
Ice
Stir and let chill
Garnish with a cherry and serve
Bonus: When to Enjoy a Manhattan
Since a Manhattan is all booze, it works fast and can quickly and sufficiently bring you great happiness. It has served me well in the following situations:
After a long day at the office
Before an awkward social event
During fantasy playoffs
During NFL playoffs
When the season’s on the line and it’s only 27 yards but it’s wide left
When your quarterback wrecks his knee 10 days before the start of the following season
When God hates your pitiful purple franchise SKOL!
I don’t sleep the night before the draft. I’m excited, sure. But what really keeps me up is knowing this fantasy team, more than anything else, will determine my overall happiness level for the next 4 months.
If my players blow up, life is good. I live on the league website. I talk smack, do research, and sometimes just stare at projected point totals as I touch myself.
But when my team is shit, I have to PRETEND fantasy doesn’t matter, which of course is the saddest lie. I don’t check the standings. I won’t talk to other league members. I hole up in my house and listen to my wife say things like, “It’s just a game.” AND “Aren’t you too old for this?” AND “Honestly, Dominick I find you less attractive when you’re drunk and bitter every Sunday.”
Fortunately, fantasy has been good to me. Over my ten year career, I’ve drafted 28 teams within 4 competitive leagues, missed playoffs only thrice, and amassed 12 championships. Welcome to Titletown.
I tell you this not only as a blatant brag and in-your-face declaration of fantasy superiority, but for credibility. Because while I don’t have a fantasy official website, what I do have are 3 fantasy teams that I care more about than I do my own daughter are very important to me and a 43% title rate (suck on that!)
Anyway, what follows is the draft strategy responsible for all those titles.
1. Practice Safety First
Spoiler alert: This year, many of you will see Cowboys rookie running back and offseason hype train Ezekiel Elliott drafted before 2015 rushing champ and first ballot hall of famer Adrian Peterson. Another spoiler: You will not see this kind of draft day recklessness from me.
I don’t gamble in the first round. I understand Zeke, running behind arguably the best O-line in football, offers mouth-watering upside. But what’s the floor for a player who has never so much as sniffed an NFL jockstrap?
If you swing and miss while your opponents obtain first round, seen-it-before production from guys like Julio Jones and Antonio Brown, you’re in big trouble, mister — ask anyone who drafted Eddie Lacy last year.
For my first round money I’ll take AP, you know, the guy who spent the last 8 seasons in which he played 12 or more games finishing as fantasy’s overall running back 2,6,1,8,3,2,3 and 3. You can roll the dice with the rook.
2. Later, Draft for Upside
Jonathan Stewart finished as the 16th overall running back in 2015, so why am I targeting him in exactly none of my drafts? Because I know his history.
In 5 seasons with Cam Newton as his quarterback, Stewart has
Never scored more than 7 touchdowns
Played 16 games only once
Never rushed for 1,000 yards
Caught more than 25 passes only once
Given this information, I think running back 16 is the best case scenario for J-Steady, and while his 11 points per week is nice, it’s not gonna win your league. At a 5th round cost, I’ll gamble on Jeremy Hill, Ryan Mathews or Matt Jones — riskier players who have a chance to be this year’s David Johnson.
3. Invest in Wide Receivers
More than any other position, I’m willing to invest early draft picks and fat stacks of auction cash in wide receivers because they are:
In higher demand – Most leagues start 3 (as opposed to 2 RBs, 1 QB, and 1 TE).
Less often injured – Of running backs and receivers drafted to be fantasy starters last year (so top 20 RBs and top 30 WRs), running backs missed an average of 3.9 games due to injury, while receivers missed only 1.7.
More indispensable – Backup running backs win fantasy titles. Backup receivers? Not so much. Like if Antonio Brown goes down week 1, Sammy Coates isn’t gonna step up and match AB’s production, something that’s entirely possible at the running back position — as we saw last year with Le’Veon Bell and DeAngelo Williams.
4. Collect Running Backs
I collect running backs like ex-running back Travis Henry collects kids from different mothers. It’s all about the the quantity.
Quantity trumps quality because running backs are disposable. They get hurt, wear down, and are therefore relatively more available on the waiver wire. In fact, I’d argue that shrewd waiver play is more important than the draft when it comes to maximizing points from your running backs.
Check out the top 5 runners in last year’s fantasy playoffs, courtesy of FantasyPros.
Of the five, only Crowell and Gurley were projected starters before the start of the season. David Johnson and Tim Hightower, who apparently is still alive, didn’t start until weeks 13 and 14, respectively.
Bottom line: You can win a fantasy title without a running back intensive draft strategy. Want an example? Here are last year’s championship WR/RB corps from each of my three leagues.
5. Draft Tight End and Quarterback Based on RB/WR Availability
I’ll draft receivers and running backs until either a) I don’t like who’s available, or b) I think I can wait a round to select my next target. Then, and only then, do I draft a tight end or quarterback.
Make no mistake, I’m not ignoring these positions — last weekend, I selected Jordan Reed in the 4th round using this strategy — I just think there’s plenty of late round value.
6. Use a Cheat Sheet
Pictured above is Document 55, the cheat sheet that has accompanied me to every draft since I created it in 2008.
The first thing you’ll notice is that it’s tiered. This helps me make positional decisions. For example, if I’m drafting at 8 and deciding between receiver and running back, I’ll check the current tiers. If 4 running backs are available and only 1 receiver, I’ll grab the wideout and hope one of the similarly valued running backs comes back to me.
You’ll also notice it’s contained on a single sheet. I’m not flipping through pages of positional ranks like some dumbass noob. With a single glance, I have all the necessary information:
Individual player availability
The status of each position as a whole
The number of tight ends and quarterbacks that have been selected
What you won’t find on Document 55 are kickers and defense and that’s because, as far at the draft goes, kickers and defense aren’t important.
7. Draft a Defense in the Second to Last Round
I stream defenses based on weekly matchups. I’d much rather start a mediocre D at home vs Blaine Gabbert than a ‘good’ D in Foxborough against Tom Brady. So because the defense I draft is for week 1 only, I’m not willing to burn anything more than a bottom two pick to obtain one.
8. Draft a Kicker in the Last Round or Sometimes Not At All
Don’t reach for a kicker before the last round. Why? Because the difference between the best starting kicker and the worst starting kicker is virtually nothing — less than 2 points per week in each of the last two years.
For reference, here is 2015’s average points per game (PPG) differentials for starters at the remaining positions (based on 10 team leagues).
Wide receiver (WR1 vs WR30) 8.1 PPG
Running back (RB1 vs RB20) 6.7 PPG
Quarterback (QB1 vs QB10) 6.7 PPG
Tight end (TE1 vs TE10) 5.6 PPG
Defense (D/ST1 vs D/ST10) 2.6 PPG
Also, preseason or not, a lot can happen in 2 quarters of football. Therefore, if I draft at any point before the week 3 dress rehearsal, I’ll ignore the defense/kicker positions entirely and instead roster a guy like Tevin Coleman — a backup who, if Freeman went down, would immediately become a fantasy starter.
9. Exploit the Recency Bias
If you burned a top 3 pick on Eddie Lacy last year, then not only did you endure a very sad fantasy season, but you’re also likely never drafting Eddie Lacy again.
I get it. It’s tough to forgive a bust that big. You likely don’t care that in his previous two seasons Lacy finished as the RB6 and RB7, or that he spent the offseason training with P90x guru Tony Horton. All you remember is Fat Ed arrived at camp out of shape and ate your $100 league fee.
That’s fine. However, I am more than happy to make your loss my gain and take a more objective approach to Eddie in 2016. Jordy Nelson’s return, Randall Cobb reverting back to a complementary role, and an in-shape Lacy in a contract year all are good omens, making him a tantalizing option in the 3rd round.
10. Shy Away From Players Coming Off a Career Year
I’m a big fan of Cam Newton, and although he’s fresh off the greatest fantasy performance since Peyton’s historic 2013, it’s unlikely he’ll be on any of my teams this year.
The problem with drafting 2016 Cam is that you’re paying for 2015 Cam. And the problem with 2015 cam is that his numbers are unlikely to be repeated.
Would I draft Cam over any other quarterback? Yes. Would I draft him at his current average draft position — the middle of the second round? No. Because that’s 1 round before Rodgers, 2 rounds before Wilson, 3 before Brees, and 10 before Cousins. And at that cost, it’s going to be nearly impossible for Cam to return value.
11. Completely Ignore Bye Weeks
My favorite part about the preseason is that I get to hilariously believe that I know everything. I solidify a bulletproof draft strategy, execute it perfectly, then drool over my roster until the season starts and some guy named Kevin Ogletree scores three TDs, and I have to wonder how in the hell I missed that call.
The NFL changes weekly. By October, a third of your drafted team will be hurt or on the waiver wire. Don’t make draft day decisions based on bye week conflicts of players who may or may not be on your roster.
The alarm sounds at 4:58, but Mo is already up. He hops from the foot of the bed, shakes, snorts, does some walk/stretch thing he does every morning, and hurries to the bathroom because he knows that’s my first stop.
He lets me enter and then follows halfway, and as I relieve myself, Mo starts to wag his tail, rhythmically striking each side of the door frame. WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!
I tell him he needs to be quiet. I get dressed, and we sneak downstairs. Then, in one final affirmation that we are indeed doing what he already knows we are doing, I grab his collar and he launches into an bliss-fueled tailspin.
And on our way to the park, me half asleep behind the wheel and Mo in the backseat panting on my shoulder, I wonder, as I have on so many other mornings, why do dogs love walks?
Anthropomorphism and How Dogs ‘See’ the World
Ingrained in human psychology is the tendency to anthropomorphize or attribute human characteristics to things which are not human — we do this especially with our pets.
The dog barks, so he must be trying to speak. He licks, so it must be a kiss. He sniffs the rump of another dog, so we yank his leash because butt sniffing is gross, at least to humans.
But of course, domesticated as a dog may be, he is not human. And the only way to understand what a walk means to a dog is to remove our human lenses and view the experience through his eyes, or more accurately his nose.
Why Mo Loves Walks
He Sniffs
Humans — with our tiny, second-rate noses — will likely never understand life behind the snout of a dog¹. Imagine stepping into a forest and each tree having it’s own unique scent. Or sniffing the ground and instantly knowing that a squirrel passed by earlier…about 4AM…he had an acorn…and was headed east.
To a dog, smell is more than just a collection of scents. It’s a story. And stories are everywhere — on a stick, in the dirt, and under leaves. There are even stories left deliberately by other dogs.
He Marks and Messages
The whiz Mo takes before bed is different than the whizzes he takes on a walk. His evening whiz is a torrential, earth-soaking whiz, one of such concentration and density it kills the lawn beneath it. His on-walk whizzes, though, are a series of tiny squirts shot from underneath a lifted leg.
Recent research suggests the latter, commonly believed to be an attempt at territory marking, is actually a form of communication². Mo is depositing a message containing information regarding his sex, status, diet, mood, how often he visits this spot, as well as any recent accomplishments.
Mo was here. Ate a piece of steak last night with kibble. Chased a squirrel this morning. Didn’t catch it. Maybe next time. Ruff.
His message is then received by other dogs who come to sniff the area before likely depositing a message of their own in a process called overmarking.
He Plays With Friends
To me, dog play is weird and looks neither fun nor particularly safe. But for whatever reason, Mo adores bearing his fangs and biting the necks and legs of his playmates. Yes, sometimes he’ll frolic alongside other dogs or share a stick, but generally ‘play’ more closely resembles a fight to the death.
However, dog play is more organized and formal than it appears. Before play begins, one dog signals to the other, sometimes using a play bow as seen here:
If the playmate accepts the invitation then they mutually agree to some rules — taking turns, playing fair, considering size of the other playmate, etc. So while dog play may look dangerous, it’s not as bad as it looks.
He Picks
Because Mo enjoys walks infinitely more than I do, I allow him to make important walk-related decisions. If he wants a ball, he brings it along. He wants a stick, he picks it up. He goes left at the bridge, I go left at the bridge. And maybe most importantly, I let him follow his nose.
Head to any pet friendly area and you will see humans hurrying their dogs along a concrete path or yanking the leash when the dog stops to sniff, either unaware of or indifferent to the fact that dogs care far more for scent than for efficiency.
One of the first dog training books I ever read offered this very misguided piece of advice³: You must walk the dog; the dog mustn’t walk you. If the dog wanders, rein him in. He stops to sniff, yank his leash. He stops again, beat him until he submits.
I may have paraphrased that last part, but in all honesty it was something close. Anyway, the premise for this tip stems from the wolfpack theory, which says because dogs evolved from wolves and wolves run in packs, the dog expects to live in a social hierarchy similar to that of the wolf. If you — the owner — fail to cement your status as alpha male, the dog will spend his life challenging your rank.
The problem with this theory is not only does it fail to replicate the inner-workings of an actual wolfpack — social status is rarely challenged by pack members — but more importantly dogs are not wolves.
Dogs live with humans, most have access to a climate controlled and predator-free home, and if I ever told Mo to go hunt cooperatively with his dog friends, he’d starve to death before dinner.
Now, if the dog isn’t a beta male reporting up to his alpha male human, how then does he see himself in the eyes of man? Simple: as a best friend.
We hang out
Humans created the dog. Years of domestication transformed the tolerant wolf into a tamed one. Years more and we had an animal who shared our home. Now, thousands of years later, we have a creature so attuned to us he knows early alarm + bathroom = walk — a creature who, more than anything else, wants the company of humans.
Dogs depend on us not only for food and shelter but for a relationship. Mo knows that the walk is more than just his time; it’s our time, and I think that’s his favorite thing of all.
Notes:
¹A dog’s sense of smell is millions of times more sensitive than ours. The olfactory bulb, the part of the dog brain responsible for processing scent, is 40 times larger in dogs than in humans, relative to total brain size. This extra processing power carries more scent-related information to other parts of the brain, impacting a dog’s behavior, emotion and memory.
²In addition to a first-class olfactory system, dog’s have what is called a vomeronasal organ. Located above the roof of the mouth, this separate sniffing apparatus allows dogs to detect hormones and pheromones — the chemical and communicative pieces of information contained in another dog’s urine.
³Dogs require walk-related and leash training. How else will he know what’s expected of him? However, based on my research and experience, I would argue that sessions of positive reinforcement — treats when he heels in lieu of punishment when he doesn’t — are far more effective. Once the dog demonstrates obedience and understands that future walks are contingent on good behavior, let the boy run free.
Kids really do grow up fast. Milestones come and go, which makes fatherhood fresh and rewarding and awesome. But it is also dangerous, because while one day little Sally is learning to crawl, the next she’s cartwheeling right into oncoming traffic.
In fact, in the US alone, an average of 6 kids die each day from accidental injuries at home. So if you’re thinking — I don’t need to babyproof. My kid is smart; she won’t crawl down the stairs/eat that battery/play in the toilet — I encourage you to think again. Because while a toddler’s motor skills are continually improving, her judgement is still years away.
But worry not, because what we have here is your painless, but complete, guide to babyproofing. We’re not gonna overdo it — there’s no need to cover your walls in bubble wrap and sleep the child in a hazmat suit. No, instead we’re gonna use research and facts to uncover your home’s most dangerous areas, and then babyproof the shit out of them. Sound good?
When should I babyproof?
Some kids crawl at as early as 5 months, so the child’s 4 month birthday would, by default, be a good time to start babyproofing. But if you’ve read any baby book, you know your child is UNIQUE and SPECIAL and develops at her own rate. So if you want a custom plan for your special little girl, then the motor milestones below often precede crawling and are a sign that mobility is coming:
Sitting independently
Rolling
Doing mini push-ups
Rocking on hands and knees
Crawling backwards
Don’t wait too long, though, because babies learn fast. My wife and I lost a week of our lives watching the girl crawl around the house unprotected, waiting for our babyproofing items to arrive from Amazon.
Safety around the house
Some rooms are more hazardous than others, but before entering the bowels of the bathroom and kitchen, let’s look at safety throughout the house.
Stairs. A toddler has all the coordination of a frat boy after a box of Franzia, so it should surprise no one that falls are the leading cause of non-fatal injuries among children 0-4. Clumsiness becomes downright dangerous, though, when its mixed with a flight of stairs. To avoid a nasty tumble, install safety gates at the top and bottom of each flight.
Bad news: You will likely need to purchase some babyproofing items. The good news is the Equipment section at the end of this post summarizes every product we’ll cover and also includes links to specific recommendations.
Windows. Safety gates won’t prevent your child from falling from a window, but here’s what will:
Keep all reachable windows locked.
Move furniture away from windows (to prevent baby from crawling up and out).
Install window guards (more info in the equipment section).
Blinds. If you didn’t spring for cordless window treatments (and with the price of blinds these days who can blame you) make sure the cords aren’t a strangulation hazard:
Eliminate cords from the nursery and play areas.
Install blind cord wind ups.
Replace shades with looped cords, as they have been banned since 1995.
Sliding glass doors. We bought our house with all the intention of adding a deck, but then we discovered how much decks cost. Now, a sliding glass door is all that separates the kitchen from a 15 foot death drop into the backyard. If you, too, have a death drop, it might be wise to consider a permanent door stopper.
Bookcases and dressers. I just spent 10 minutes reading about tipping furniture tragedies and it ruined my day. In an effort to raise awareness regarding this not-so-obvious household hazard, the Consumer Product Safety Commission established Anchor It!, a campaign dedicated exclusively to preventing furniture related injury and death. Using the guidelines from this program, here are 3 ways to keep kids safe.
Remove tempting objects from the top of furniture.
Anchor top-heavy furniture to the wall using brackets, braces, or anti-tip straps.
Avoid purchasing cheap, unstable furniture like this MALM dresser from Ikea, which is responsible for 3 deaths since 2014. Further details on the recall here.
Flat screen TVs. In truly tragic living room news, toppling televisions send a child to the ER every 45 minutes. The easiest way to preserve both your child and centerpiece of family entertainment? Mount the TV to the wall and ensure cords are up and out of the way. If you don’t want the TV on the wall, secure it to a TV stand using anti-tip straps.
Electrical cords. Hide cords behind furniture and eliminate instances where pulling a cord could bring an appliance down onto the child.
Electrical outlets. When drafting my babyproofing to-do list, I wondered how dangerous are outlets really? Like is the girl actually gonna find a conductive item, crawl to an open outlet, and fill it full of metal? Do I need to secure EVERY unused outlet in the house? Well, as it turns out, it depends.
Pictured above are two outlets. If you look closely at the tamper resistant (TR) version, you can see plastic within the vertical slots. These are spring loaded shutters, which close off access to the, how do I say this, electricity part. The only way to complete an electrical circuit and bypass the shutters is to compress both simultaneously, like when inserting a plug.
To increase home safety, TR outlets were made standard in 2008, and because of the shutters, are already babyproofed (TR outlets are usually marked with ‘TR’ somewhere on the outlet face; however, on the outlets in our house the marking is on the metal screw plate).
Now, if your house was built before 2008, it likely is equipped with standard outlets, and you DO need to babyproof. Every year 2,400 kids suffer shocks or burns from electrical outlets, and 12 of these injuries result in death, hence the birth of the tamper resistant outlet. The good news is securing standard outlets is easy and inexpensive.
If you can, bump furniture up against unused outlets.
Use outlet covers for any remaining outlets.
Houseplants. A few years ago, we removed all houseplants (real and fake) because the dog would eat the dirt and fake moss then barf it up on the carpet. If, however, you don’t own some big dumb animal and are allowed to have nice things like houseplants, make sure they aren’t poisonous. Here is a list of the most common toxic houseplants from Better Homes and Gardens.
Daffodils
Dumb Cane
Easter Lily
English Ivy
Oleander
Peace Lily
Philodendron
Pothos
Sago Palm
ZZ Plant
Miscellaneous choking and strangulation hazards. Tiny windpipes and the incessant need to ‘mouth’ any object in sight make suffocation the leading cause of accidental death among kids 0-4. It’s important to keep all choking and strangulation items out of reach. Here are some dangerous and not so obvious hazards:
Beads (from toys or bean bags)
Belts
Coins
Daily vitamins
Dog food
Jewelry
Laptop cords
Pens (parts)
Phone chargers
Ribbon
Scarves
Ties
Button batteries. My grandma warned me about button batteries — that allegedly kids swallow them, and they burn through the esophagus in as little as 2 hours.
Now, initially I ignored this warning because it sounded a lot like old person paranoia, but then I saw this online. Then this. And then this. And now here I am warning you about button batteries. Common items that use these batteries include:
Calculators
Cameras
Garage door openers
Key fobs
Remotes
Watches
If you think your child has ingested a battery, head immediately to the emergency room. If you don’t know where the nearest emergency room is, you should probably figure that out. Signs of battery ingestion include:
Fever
Throat pain
Vomiting
Gagging
Difficulty swallowing
Bathroom
Drowning is the leading cause of accidental death among children 1-4, and poisoning is the 3rd leading cause among children under 1. The bathroom has water and usually prescription pills and household cleaners. Consider a gate to prevent jr from wandering in unsupervised. Additionally…
Set your water heater at or below 120F to prevent scalding.
Never leave standing water in a sink or bathtub.
Lock cleaners, medicine, mouthwash, toothpaste, and hair and skin products in a cupboard with a safety lock.
Install a safety lock on the toilet.
Add the Nationwide Poison Control number to your contacts 1-800-222-1222.
Note: 38% of all child poisoning cases are a result of a grandparent’s medication. If your kid’s gonna visit granny, make sure her house is safe, too.
Kitchen
I try to keep my girl out of the kitchen because of, you know, the boiling water, and glass dishes, and my wife dropping knives at a frequency that will make you swear to God she is doing so intentionally. But of course when I’m in the kitchen, the child also wants to be in the kitchen. A few simple adjustments can make for a safer cooking area.
Use high chair straps. I’m a big fan of the high chair. I plop the girl down. She’s contained. She’s off the floor and away from falling cutlery. She can see us. We can see her. We toss her some fuckin Cheerios. She lets us cook dinner. Everyone is happy.
Then, one day, the sanctity of the beloved high chair was compromised when the girl realized she could simply stand up. Fortunately, I was there to grab her, but many other children aren’t as lucky.
High chairs are the second leading baby product associated with infant injury. Of recorded cases, 93% were caused by a fall and in 66% of these incidents the child was reportedly standing or climbing prior to injury. So use the straps before you realize that you need to.
More kitchen safety:
Rearrange cupboards so all glass and hazardous items are stored up and out of reach.
Don’t leave knives sitting on the counter. Keep them in a knife block or an out of reach drawer.
Consider a safety lock to keep the oven closed when in use.
Install covers on trash and recycling receptacles.
Store household cleaners out of reach or in a cupboard with a safety lock.
Use back burners, and keep pot handles from hanging over the stove.
Pay special attention to appliances on kitchen islands. My daughter’s favorite thing about breakfast is grabbing at the low-hanging cords of the waffle iron and griddle.
Nursery
The baby product associated with the most infant deaths? The crib. And while it’s always important to keep sleeping areas free of stuffed animals and other suffocation hazards, take extra precaution once the child becomes mobile.
Lower the crib mattress to avoid climbing/tumbling out.
Remove mobiles to avoid entanglement.
Re-evaluate baby monitor placement. Now that the child can crawl and climb, a baby monitor, and its cord, need to be a minimum of three feet from the crib.
Use open-air toy bins to avoid slamming lids.
Never leave a child unattended on the changing table — the fifth leading baby product associated with injury.
Use only cordless window coverings on all nursery windows.
Garage
Store lawn products, gas and other chemicals up high.
Keep sharp and dangerous tools in a locker or out of reach.
Ensure garage doors are equipped with both automatic reverse and automatic stop features. Unsure if your garage door has these features? Watch this video.
Backyard
Clean up dog shit so the kid doesn’t help herself to a snack.
Make sure your deck has a gate and all railings are secure.
Use extra caution around pools and ponds.
Equipment
I have good news, and I have better news. The good news is I’m done lecturing on the dangers of your home. The better news is, regardless of how dangerous your home may be, here is a complete list of items to make it safer, all of which can be purchased right here on your computer or mobile device by clicking on the links.
Safety gates
Safety gates are available both with and without swing doors. To help determine which style is best for you, consider the following:
How often is the child in this specific area?
What are the consequences if I take this gate down and forget to put it back up?
For example, our stairs (going down) are right outside the girl’s nursery. Because the girl hangs out here, and because forgetting to put the gate up could mean a serious head first tumble, we installed this walk-thru gate.
Because the gate is at the top of the stairs, the installation instructions recommended I screw the gate into the wall for maximum stability. However, that sounded like a project, so I said to hell with the screws, purchased these rubber wall savers instead, and am happy to report that this gate is rock solid. You couldn’t drive a tank through it.
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I can’t recall the last day I’ve went without alcohol. And while some may call this an alcohol problem, I consider it an accomplishment. Anything, when done everyday, requires incredible willpower and persistence.
The secret to my unwavering consistency? I keep things fresh. To avoid burnout, I rotate cocktails based on the season, and summer is no exception.
Crafting a quality summer drink is easy and requires only two components. It must be a) refreshing, because I’m hot and uncomfortable, and b) light, due to the season’s increased risk of my fatass having to be shirtless in public.
Now, if you, too, want a light and refreshing cocktail, then do I have a treat for you: ginger beer!
Ginger beer boasts a fresh, sweet, and spicy profile that pairs perfectly with climbing dew points and sunburnt manboobs. But what really sets ginger beer apart is its universal nature. So regardless if you’re a bourbon, or rum, or a vodka, or (God forbid) a tequila drinker, there is a ginger beer cocktail with your name on it.
How do you make these cocktails? And just what in the hell is ginger beer? Let’s find out.
What is Ginger Beer?
Ginger beer is a bolder, tastier, and in the humble opinion of this blog, better in every way ginger ale.
Beer vs ale: What’s the difference? Ginger beer, like beer and wine, is fermented, while ginger ale, like other soft drinks, is artificially flavored and carbonated. Let’s take a look at a side by side comparison.
Why do these differences matter? Fermentation gives ginger beer a stronger, spicier and more natural profile, allowing it to contribute flavor to a cocktail, as opposed to just diluting the proof of a spirit to make it palatable — which usually is the purpose of any soft drink mixer.
Is ginger beer alcoholic? Sometimes. Traditionally, ginger beer was brewed using ginger, sugar, water, and a starter culture known as ginger beer plant. The final product weighed in at about 11% alcohol by volume (ABV).
Today, however, production has changed. While some ginger beer is still brewed, most breweries halt fermentation early to keep alcohol content under .5% (the maximum ABV permitted by the FDA for a beverage to be classified as non-alcoholic). But fortunately, brands like Crabbie’s still make the alcoholic stuff.
Which brand of ginger beer should I buy? The increase in commercially produced ginger beer has unfortunately come at a cost of quality. If you’re not careful, you can buy a beverage with a ginger beer label that’s nothing more than ginger flavoring and high fructose corn syrup.
Fortunately, we here at The Millennial Man have researched nutrition labels and completed a taste test. And while personal preference will undoubtedly vary, I feel comfortable recommending the following 3 brands.
Crabbie’s
Crabbie’s is widely available and contains alcohol, and everything is better with alcohol. While Crabbie’s can be enjoyed right from the bottle, you might want something bolder to use as a mixer. So for cocktails, we recommend…
Fever Tree
An award winner and fan favorite among ginger beer aficionados, Fever Tree is known for its natural flavors and use of 3 different types of ginger. Also available in a light version, Fever Tree is easy on the stomach…so to speak.
Q Ginger
Another high quality beverage with natural ingredients.
Instructions 1. Fill a glass or Moscow Mule mug with ice, vodka, ginger beer, and lime juice
2. Stir
3. Serve
Ginger Beer Margarita
Ingredients – 2 ounces tequila (we recommend El Padrino Reposado)
– 3 ounces ginger beer
– 1 ounce lime juice
– 1 sugar cube
– 1 splash of water
– salt for the rim
– ice
Instructions 1. Line a margarita glass with lime juice and dip in salt
2. In a mixing glass, muddle sugar cube, water, and lime juice
3. Add tequila, ginger beer, and ice to mixing glass
4. Stir
5. Strain into margarita glass
6. Serve
This is not a rant. It is a list of 10 solutions that, if implemented, will make a good thing better, because for the most part I like the gym.
I like the gains. I like how the rhythm of weightlifting vibes with my playlist of 90s gangster rap. And I like that the gym enables me to hilariously believe that benching 225 pounds means I am well conditioned and of overall good health.
But the gym has its drawbacks, and as with most public places, the problems are with the people. But I’m not here to nitpick. In fact, in the spirit of tolerance, I’m willing to overlook any strange and annoying gym behavior as long as it doesn’t impact me directly.
The college grad snapping mirror selfies…Lookin good, bro. Enjoy that metabolism while you got it.
The couple playing grab-ass between sets of calf raises…Nice. Happy for you guys.
The meathead grunting like a barbarian warlord through an entire squat routine…That’s cool. I got headphones.
All of this is fine and good. It’s the other stuff — the selfish and lazy and boorish behavior of a few that negatively impact the experience of many — that has to stop. So here now are the 10 commandments of gym etiquette.
1. Thou Shalt Not Flop Thy Dong All Over the Locker Room
I get it, we all have dicks. What I don’t get is why this fact turns every men’s locker room into an all out dick frenzy.
Now, I’m not suggesting some sort of crazy, fascist dick ban, or that you do the whole pull your shirt over your knees while changing briefs thing, but is it too much to ask to tie on a towel before galloping off to the showers?
Locker rooms are small. They have tight corners, and I bend down far too many times during my dressing/undressing routine for there to be rogue dicks everywhere. Someone’s gonna lose an eye.
2. Thou Shalt Please God Don’t Talk to Me
Despite what the sales guy behind the desk promised, the gym is not a place to ‘get social’. And while it’s a bummer that someone would join to find friends, it’s not enough for me to make even the smallest personal sacrifice.
Listen, I can’t spend 5 of my 60 minutes allotted for working out talking T-wolves, Twins, and Teddy with this poor bastard. I’m a 30 year old father with a declining metabolism and a commitment to spend 40 hours a week in a cubicle. Small talk with gym randos doesn’t make the priority list. It’s not even in the ballpark.
3. Thou Shalt Not Ask to Work In
Is today’s workout etched in stone, tatted on your forearm, and signed in blood? Can you not wait 2 damn minutes, or you know, do whatever it is you were gonna do next then come back?
Personally, I don’t understand how working in became a thing. We don’t take turns anywhere else. I’m not shouldering through people at the DMV, asking to ‘get a quick set in’ on this license renewal, or pounding on the stall door of the work bathroom, hoping to ‘hop in real quick’.
If a machine is in use, then you cannot use it because that machine is in use. Accept it, move on, but at the same time…
4. Shit or Get Off the Pec Deck
The no work in approach is only viable if machines are used for working out and not for Tinder, t-bombs, and Twitter.
5. Thou Shalt Re-Rack Thy Weight
This is like the only rule posted anywhere and still nobody cares. An unracked weight looks like it’s in use. Six shifts of workouts pass before someone finally wanders over to the orphaned EZ curl bar, inspects its temperature, then has to interrupt everyone in a 10 foot radius to ask, Hey, uh, you using that? Take 3 seconds and re-rack your weights.
6. Thou Shalt Not Superset Everything
Nothing is worse than arriving at the gym to find that you can’t use anything because some giant dude with a weight belt has collected 98% of the 45 pound plates, distributed them across the leg press, squat rack and deadlift bar, and is now in the process of supersetting 60 sets of one rep. Someone needs to kick this guy’s ass. Anyone?
7. Thou Shalt Not Continue to Solicit
This one is on the trainers. Is my monthly membership not enough? In how many ways must I express my unwavering disinterest in Warrior Strength class before I’m left alone?
8. Thou Shalt Limit Consecutive Uses of Workout Clothes.
Laundry is an awful chore and a weekly source of general sadness. But that doesn’t mean I say screw it and force a bunch of innocent Friday gym goers to deal with a funk that’s been festering since Monday’s chest routine. When your gym gear smells like the the back of Volkswagen microbus after a week-long hippie orgy, it’s time to change your sleeveless.
9. Thou Shalt Manage Thy Sweating
Sweat is to be absorbed by clothing, or a sweatband, or a towel. Excess sweat should be sprayed, wiped, and sanitized. Sweat is not to be worn like a badge of honor. It is not to be perspired then smeared across multiple machines like a mucus trail from a snail. If you want to go buck wild on the elliptical, maybe put a towel down before soaking the head rest of the bench press, you stupid asshole.
10. Thou Shalt Not Show Off
Ok, I am gonna nitpick. So I lied. BFD. Listen, I like to feel accomplished after half-assing my way around the gym for an hour. However, it’s hard to be satisfied with my progress on the shoulder press when Brad Pitt as Tyler Durden is over there combo-ing suicides into burpees. Nobody likes a show off. Stop it.
