Kids really do grow up fast. Milestones come and go, which makes fatherhood fresh and rewarding and awesome. But it is also dangerous, because while one day little Sally is learning to crawl, the next she’s cartwheeling right into oncoming traffic.

In fact, in the US alone, an average of 6 kids die each day from accidental injuries at home. So if you’re thinking — I don’t need to babyproof. My kid is smart; she won’t crawl down the stairs/eat that battery/play in the toilet — I encourage you to think again. Because while a toddler’s motor skills are continually improving, her judgement is still years away.

But worry not, because what we have here is your painless, but complete, guide to babyproofing. We’re not gonna overdo it — there’s no need to cover your walls in bubble wrap and sleep the child in a hazmat suit. No, instead we’re gonna use research and facts to uncover your home’s most dangerous areas, and then babyproof the shit out of them. Sound good?

When should I babyproof?

Some kids crawl at as early as 5 months, so the child’s 4 month birthday would, by default, be a good time to start babyproofing. But if you’ve read any baby book, you know your child is UNIQUE and SPECIAL and develops at her own rate. So if you want a custom plan for your special little girl, then the motor milestones below often precede crawling and are a sign that mobility is coming:

• Sitting independently
• Rolling
• Doing mini push-ups
• Rocking on hands and knees
• Crawling backwards

Don’t wait too long, though, because babies learn fast. My wife and I lost a week of our lives watching the girl crawl around the house unprotected, waiting for our babyproofing items to arrive from Amazon.

Safety around the house

Some rooms are more hazardous than others, but before entering the bowels of the bathroom and kitchen, let’s look at safety throughout the house.

Stairs. A toddler has all the coordination of a frat boy after a box of Franzia, so it should surprise no one that falls are the leading cause of non-fatal injuries among children 0-4. Clumsiness becomes downright dangerous, though, when its mixed with a flight of stairs. To avoid a nasty tumble, install safety gates at the top and bottom of each flight.

Bad news: You will likely need to purchase some babyproofing items. The good news is the Equipment section at the end of this post summarizes every product we’ll cover and also includes links to specific recommendations.

Windows. Safety gates won’t prevent your child from falling from a window, but here’s what will:

• Keep all reachable windows locked.
• Move furniture away from windows (to prevent baby from crawling up and out).
• Install window guards (more info in the equipment section).

Blinds. If you didn’t spring for cordless window treatments (and with the price of blinds these days who can blame you) make sure the cords aren’t a strangulation hazard:

• Eliminate cords from the nursery and play areas.
• Install blind cord wind ups.
• Replace shades with looped cords, as they have been banned since 1995.

Sliding glass doors. We bought our house with all the intention of adding a deck, but then we discovered how much decks cost. Now, a sliding glass door is all that separates the kitchen from a 15 foot death drop into the backyard. If you, too, have a death drop, it might be wise to consider a permanent door stopper.

Bookcases and dressers. I just spent 10 minutes reading about tipping furniture tragedies and it ruined my day. In an effort to raise awareness regarding this not-so-obvious household hazard, the Consumer Product Safety Commission established Anchor It!, a campaign dedicated exclusively to preventing furniture related injury and death. Using the guidelines from this program, here are 3 ways to keep kids safe.

1. Remove tempting objects from the top of furniture.
2. Anchor top-heavy furniture to the wall using brackets, braces, or anti-tip straps.
3. Avoid purchasing cheap, unstable furniture like this MALM dresser from Ikea, which is responsible for 3 deaths since 2014. Further details on the recall here.

 

Flat screen TVs. In truly tragic living room news, toppling televisions send a child to the ER every 45 minutes. The easiest way to preserve both your child and centerpiece of family entertainment? Mount the TV to the wall and ensure cords are up and out of the way. If you don’t want the TV on the wall, secure it to a TV stand using anti-tip straps.

Electrical cords. Hide cords behind furniture and eliminate instances where pulling a cord could bring an appliance down onto the child.

Electrical outlets. When drafting my babyproofing to-do list, I wondered how dangerous are outlets really? Like is the girl actually gonna find a conductive item, crawl to an open outlet, and fill it full of metal? Do I need to secure EVERY unused outlet in the house? Well, as it turns out, it depends.

Pictured above are two outlets. If you look closely at the tamper resistant (TR) version, you can see plastic within the vertical slots. These are spring loaded shutters, which close off access to the, how do I say this, electricity part. The only way to complete an electrical circuit and bypass the shutters is to compress both simultaneously, like when inserting a plug.

To increase home safety, TR outlets were made standard in 2008, and because of the shutters, are already babyproofed (TR outlets are usually marked with  ‘TR’ somewhere on the outlet face; however, on the outlets in our house the marking is on the metal screw plate).

Now, if your house was built before 2008, it likely is equipped with standard outlets, and you DO need to babyproof. Every year 2,400 kids suffer shocks or burns from electrical outlets, and 12 of these injuries result in death, hence the birth of the tamper resistant outlet. The good news is securing standard outlets is easy and inexpensive.

• If you can, bump furniture up against unused outlets.
• Use outlet covers for any remaining outlets.

Houseplants. A few years ago, we removed all houseplants (real and fake) because the dog would eat the dirt and fake moss then barf it up on the carpet. If, however, you don’t own some big dumb animal and are allowed to have nice things like houseplants, make sure they aren’t poisonous. Here is a list of the most common toxic houseplants from Better Homes and Gardens.

• Daffodils
• Dumb Cane
• Easter Lily
• English Ivy
• Oleander
• Peace Lily
• Philodendron
• Pothos
• Sago Palm
• ZZ Plant

Miscellaneous choking and strangulation hazards. Tiny windpipes and the incessant need to ‘mouth’ any object in sight make suffocation the leading cause of accidental death among kids 0-4. It’s important to keep all choking and strangulation items out of reach. Here are some dangerous and not so obvious hazards:

• Beads (from toys or bean bags)
• Belts
• Coins
• Daily vitamins
• Dog food
• Jewelry
• Laptop cords
• Pens (parts)
• Phone chargers
• Ribbon
• Scarves
• Ties

Button batteries. My grandma warned me about button batteries — that allegedly kids swallow them, and they burn through the esophagus in as little as 2 hours.

Now, initially I ignored this warning because it sounded a lot like old person paranoia, but then I saw this online. Then this. And then this. And now here I am warning you about button batteries. Common items that use these batteries include:

• Calculators
• Cameras
• Garage door openers
• Key fobs
• Remotes
• Watches

If you think your child has ingested a battery, head immediately to the emergency room. If you don’t know where the nearest emergency room is, you should probably figure that out. Signs of battery ingestion include:

• Fever
• Throat pain
• Vomiting
• Gagging
• Difficulty swallowing

Bathroom

Drowning is the leading cause of accidental death among children 1-4, and poisoning is the 3rd leading cause among children under 1. The bathroom has water and usually prescription pills and household cleaners. Consider a gate to prevent jr from wandering in unsupervised. Additionally…

• Set your water heater at or below 120F to prevent scalding.
• Never leave standing water in a sink or bathtub.
• Lock cleaners, medicine, mouthwash, toothpaste, and hair and skin products in a cupboard with a safety lock.
• Install a safety lock on the toilet.
• Add the Nationwide Poison Control number to your contacts 1-800-222-1222.

Note: 38% of all child poisoning cases are a result of a grandparent’s medication. If your kid’s gonna visit granny, make sure her house is safe, too.

Kitchen

I try to keep my girl out of the kitchen because of, you know, the boiling water, and glass dishes, and my wife dropping knives at a frequency that will make you swear to God she is doing so intentionally. But of course when I’m in the kitchen, the child also wants to be in the kitchen. A few simple adjustments can make for a safer cooking area.

Use high chair straps. I’m a big fan of the high chair. I plop the girl down. She’s contained. She’s off the floor and away from falling cutlery. She can see us. We can see her. We toss her some fuckin Cheerios. She lets us cook dinner. Everyone is happy.

Then, one day, the sanctity of the beloved high chair was compromised when the girl realized she could simply stand up. Fortunately, I was there to grab her, but many other children aren’t as lucky.

High chairs are the second leading baby product associated with infant injury. Of recorded cases, 93% were caused by a fall and in 66% of these incidents the child was reportedly standing or climbing prior to injury. So use the straps before you realize that you need to.

More kitchen safety:

• Rearrange cupboards so all glass and hazardous items are stored up and out of reach.
• Don’t leave knives sitting on the counter. Keep them in a knife block or an out of reach drawer.
• Consider a safety lock to keep the oven closed when in use.
• Install covers on trash and recycling receptacles.
• Store household cleaners out of reach or in a cupboard with a safety lock.
• Use back burners, and keep pot handles from hanging over the stove.
• Pay special attention to appliances on kitchen islands. My daughter’s favorite thing about breakfast is grabbing at the low-hanging cords of the waffle iron and griddle.

Nursery

The baby product associated with the most infant deaths? The crib. And while it’s always important to keep sleeping areas free of stuffed animals and other suffocation hazards, take extra precaution once the child becomes mobile.

• Lower the crib mattress to avoid climbing/tumbling out.
• Remove mobiles to avoid entanglement.
• Re-evaluate baby monitor placement. Now that the child can crawl and climb, a baby monitor, and its cord, need to be a minimum of three feet from the crib.
• Use open-air toy bins to avoid slamming lids.
• Never leave a child unattended on the changing table — the fifth leading baby product associated with injury.
• Use only cordless window coverings on all nursery windows.

Garage

• Store lawn products, gas and other chemicals up high.
• Keep sharp and dangerous tools in a locker or out of reach.
• Ensure garage doors are equipped with both automatic reverse and automatic stop features. Unsure if your garage door has these features? Watch this video.

Backyard

• Clean up dog shit so the kid doesn’t help herself to a snack.
• Make sure your deck has a gate and all railings are secure.
• Use extra caution around pools and ponds.

Equipment

I have good news, and I have better news. The good news is I’m done lecturing on the dangers of your home. The better news is, regardless of how dangerous your home may be, here is a complete list of items to make it safer, all of which can be purchased right here on your computer or mobile device by clicking on the links.

Safety gates

Safety gates are available both with and without swing doors. To help determine which style is best for you, consider the following:

1. How often is the child in this specific area?
2. What are the consequences if I take this gate down and forget to put it back up?

For example, our stairs (going down) are right outside the girl’s nursery. Because the girl hangs out here, and because forgetting to put the gate up could mean a serious head first tumble, we installed this walk-thru gate.

Walk-thru gate (click to view on Amazon)

Rubber wall savers

Because the gate is at the top of the stairs, the installation instructions recommended I screw the gate into the wall for maximum stability. However, that sounded like a project, so I said to hell with the screws, purchased these rubber wall savers instead, and am happy to report that this gate is rock solid. You couldn’t drive a tank through it.

Quick install gate

We also purchased this easily moveable bamboo gate for when the girl must be temporarily contained.

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Safety locks for cupboards, toilets and ovens

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Anti-tip TV and furniture straps

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Window guards

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Sliding glass door guard

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Blind cord wind up

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Outlet covers

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Sources:

http://www.cdc.gov/safechild/nap/index.html

http://www.safekids.org/search?search_api_views_fulltext=grandparents+medication

https://www.cpsc.gov//Global/Research-and-Statistics/Injury-Statistics/Toys/nurseryproductsinjuries121313FINAL.pdf

http://www.nationwidechildrens.org/news-room-articles/new-study-finds-24-children-a-day-are-treated-in-us-emergency-departments-for–high-chair-related-injuries?contentid=122507

http://www.safekids.org/safetytips/field_risks/tv-and-furniture-tip-overs

https://www.health.ny.gov/prevention/injury_prevention/children/fact_sheets/birth-19_years/choking_and_suffocation_prevention_birth-19_years.htm

http://onsafety.cpsc.gov/blog/2011/02/11/baby-monitor-cords-have-strangled-children/

http://www.nfpa.org/safety-information/for-consumers/causes/electrical/tamper-resistant-electrical-receptacles

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So you’re thinking hard about having a kid?

Good for you. That’s a very mature and dad-like thing to do. Decision making is an important part of fatherhood. When it’s 4AM on some random Tuesday and your screaming child has slept for 6 of the last 600 possible minutes, a good decision can be the difference between a dad who goes to work tired and one who ends up on the news.

Before the girl was born, I had heard enough horror stories to know that fatherhood changes a man. Now that she is here, however, I realize that while new dads freely share tales of sleep deprivation and baby poop, discussing the REAL challenges of fatherhood is more taboo.

A baby stirs up emotions and feelings, so the unwillingness to talk about it isn’t surprising. But it is unfortunate, because a lot of soon-to-be dads are entirely oblivious to just what in the hell is coming. What follows is everything I wish I knew before baby: 12 confessions from a brand new, worn out, but still sane (and still married) father.

I am Emotionally Unstable

I thought I was done with emotions, that I had outgrown them like Ninja Turtles and bed wetting. Men are supposed to be unflappable, so for years I buried all that emotional shit deeeeep down inside. And there it has stayed. But now it is back. And I’m handling it poorly.

The girl gets shots, and I’m as hysterical as she is.

She WILL NOT fall asleep, and I want to put my foot through her bedroom wall.

She recognizes me for the first time and smiles, and I break down and fuckin weep, because I’ve lived 29 years without ever experiencing this emotion, and my brain cannot compute the appropriate response to just what in the hell is happening to me.

Of all the changes, becoming an emotional train wreck was the least expected. I had no idea I could feel so strongly, which is awesome but also terrifying, because now I worry.

Oh, How I Worry

The girl had reflux (colic on steroids) and torticollis (a crooked head due to a constricted neck muscle), both of which are surprisingly common and 100% curable/outgrowable.

Still, my wife and I spent the first 5 months of parenthood OBSESSING over these symptoms. And while babies are diagnosed every day with worse and often heartbreaking conditions, I know the panic that arises when things are not perfect.

A terrifying realization that every dad makes, and one I wish I had made earlier, is that you control very little. The rest is up to fate, or God, or chance, or the universe, or whatever you want to pin it on.

Could your baby have a currently undetectable and eventually inoperable disease? Of course. But so could you. Just like you could drop dead from an aneurysm upon finishing this sentence…

Caution and diligence are different than hobby worrying. If you can’t make the distinction, you’re in for a loooong rest of your life.

My Marriage Has Never Been Harder

Just look at this fuckin chart, man.

Pre-child, I cannot remember the last time I argued with my wife. In fact, I don’t think we ever had a real argument. But fun time is over, because three years of harmonious coexistence is apparently no match for a mini human who eats every hour and shits on the half hour in between.

You will need to take some night shifts. You will need to miss some football games. You will need to compromise. You will need to take a breath and let that snide remark slide right off your back. You need to find a way, because love alone will not.

I Wonder if My Wife Will Ever Be the Same

You think life as a new dad is one of hardship and sacrifice? Wait until you witness life as a new mom. While you may lose some sleep and free time, you — the person — remains intact.

Your wife, however, experiences hormonal and physical changes that alter her very being, like some monster strapped to the table of a mad scientist.

The role of a new mother…it is admirable, man. It’s emotional hijacking, nipple cracking, stomach stretching work that will make you pause, reflect, and say to yourself, Christ, I have spent a lifetime underappreciating my mother.

Christ, I Have Spent A Lifetime Underappreciating My mother

Go call your mother. She loves you.

Sometimes I Miss My Old Life

Life with a baby is full of tiny events that are a giant fuckin deal. The girl rolled over. She grabbed her feet. OMFG she laughed at the dog!

Mundane milestones mean THE WORLD when you’re a parent. The day the girl fed herself with a spoon, I snapped 200 pictures and then about shit myself in wonderment. And since babies change seemingly by the day, the progress is new and continuous. This makes fatherhood fresh and rewarding and that is awesome.

But sometimes I think about the good ol’ days; free of babies and commitment and full of whatever the hell I wanted. Sometimes I miss them. I remember the recklessness, and freedom, and mobility, and lack of responsibility. Sometimes I get tired of responsibility. Sometimes I CRAVE irresponsibility. Sometimes I just want to drive to the nearest dive bar, crush 20 different rail drinks, crash on a buddy’s couch, wake up and barf in his toilet.

My Dog Always Misses My Old Life

Mo was the baby before the baby. And as much as I told myself that would never change, it has.

I wonder if he’s realized that his walks are shorter, or that nobody takes his picture anymore, or that the guests he greets at the door are here for the baby. Thinking about it now…I’m gonna cry again.

I don’t dismiss him intentionally, but take yesterday for example. I’m scrambling to ready a bottle because the girl is hungry and screaming like a slasher movie victim. Meanwhile, Mo is whining at the basement door for his abandoned stuffed hippo.

It’s like how different in importance are these two needs? Where does this stranded hippo rank amongst the universe’s problems? If we delay the hippo’s rescue, how will it impact world hunger?

But he is getting better. I’m hoping as the girl grows, he’ll start to acknowledge her as a human. Maybe, one day, each can provide the other with the TLC they both so desperately crave. Maybe, one day, they’ll be BFFs.

I Ask For Help

I was never a big fan of asking for help. Too proud. Too cool. Too manly. But with the girl here, asking for help has become one of my absolute favorite things. I will ask for help from anyone. I will sing it from the rooftops. I will ask multiple times per day, because I NEED it.

You will have some desperate moments. There are times after a long day with the girl where I am willing to sacrifice a small animal, a cat maybe, for an hour of alone time. Just one hour. In college, an hour was useless. I pissed away hours like they were tuition dollars. As a dad, an hour is an eternity. I can change the world with an hour.

Luckily for new parents, people love babies. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, are usually more than willing to step in. So get comfortable asking for and taking help. If only for an hour so you can eat, bathe and remember how it feels to exist with your dignity intact.

I am Resilient

What will you do on that rare occasion when the sky opens and the lord shones his heavenly light upon thy rooftop, blessing thee with a child who actually falls asleep before 9PM? How will you spend those free 3 hours? How will you not use them to drink beer and watch tv?

Willpower is a finite resource, and nothing drains willpower like baby having. I gained 15 pounds by the girl’s 4 month birthday, because I used every free minute to lay on the couch and eat stuffed crust.

If this is where you let yourself go, then see you later. But if you’re not ready for that, you will have to dig deep, and get your ass to the gym and away from the delivery menu.

I am Embarrassing and Egoless

I live in constant fear of making a boner of myself — of stuttering during a meeting, or waving to someone who was waving to someone behind me.

To protect my fragile ego, I avoid activities that could portray me as lame or weak (karaoke, voluntarily speaking in public, meeting new people, etc.). I go to great lengths to avoid potential embarrassment. But not when it comes to the girl. With her, I’m a lullaby-singing, peek-a-boo playing dynamo.

The love, man. It’s crazy. It makes it all worth it.

It is All Worth it

I have changed. The sanity-having, worry-free, zip-a-dee-fuckin-doo-dah-ing me is gone, lying face down in a heap of poopy diapers and burp rags. But that is ok. Because from the ashes, like a goddamn phoenix, springs a new life — one oblivious to worry, or house payments, or performance reviews, and focused on discovering toes and cheesing at the dog. And I experience it every day. So in a way, it’s my life now. My old life is in ruins. But it’s worth it, because now I get to see what grows from the rubble.

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