I was never confident in my ability to just ‘be cool’ while my wife gave birth to an entire child, so for the sake of remaining upright in the delivery room, I decided the anatomy of birth was better left unknown. I avoided videos, skipped labor chapters in baby books, and entered the hospital with no expectations regarding blood or pain or placentas. When it came to birth…ignorance was bliss. And this, in hindsight, was just the worst goddamn approach.

Because when labor started, and contractions disabled my wife’s ability to speak, and the medical people—now flying in and out of the delivery room—started talking about broken water and bloody show, I, balls deep in the most momentous moment of my entire existence, just sat there like some horse’s ass.

The lesson here? Know your stuff. When your partner is in early labor, know how to relieve her discomfort. As labor intensifies, know when to leave for the hospital. Most importantly, childbirth is controlled by a woman’s hormones, which can either thrive or falter based on the surrounding environment, so know how to create the right environment. How many baby books and birth classes will you have to endure to learn all this stuff? Zero. It’s all right here.

Birth: The 2 Minute Anatomy Lesson

For the average guy, interest in female anatomy begins and ends with where he sticks his wiener. But for the soon-to-be father, knowledge must penetrate a little deeper, and here’s why: medical people use labor lingo like you and your buddies use dude and fuck. Without a basic understanding of the pieces, process and terminology, you’ll have no idea what is happening. Consider this your crash course—everything you need, and nothing you don’t.

The Organs

Uterus (womb)
The uterus or womb is a hollow muscular organ that houses the fetus during pregnancy. As seen above, it has 2 parts; the body and the cervix.

Before conception, the body is the size and shape of a pear. It then expands with the growing fetus, and by full term, reaches the size of a goddamn watermelon! The walls of the uterus contain a muscle that is—depending on your definition of strength—the strongest in the human body and responsible for contractions during labor. Safely inside the womb is the amniotic sac, a membrane that contains the fetus and amniotic fluid. This fluid protects the fetus and provides lubrication to prevent his body parts from growing together.

Cervix
Below the body, in the lower region of the uterus, is the cervix—a cylinder-shaped pack of tissue covered cartilage that connects the body to the vagina. Think of the cervix as the baby’s gatekeeper. During pregnancy, it remains hard and closed to contain the 11 pounds worth of fetus and fluids. Then as labor begins and progresses, it effaces (softens) and dilates (opens), preparing for delivery.

The status of the cervix offers the single best estimate as to the arrival of the baby and is therefore continually monitored. Beginning in the final weeks of pregnancy and throughout the entirety of labor, the cervix will be poked, prodded, and assessed.

Vagina (birth canal)
The vagina is a multi-purpose organ, and for this purpose—giving birth—it is often referred to as the birth canal. Joined in the back by the cervix, the vagina stretches to many times its normal size as the fetus passes through and into the real world, completing his transformation into a breathing, eating, never sleeping baby.

Placenta
The lifeline of the fetus, the placenta does the work of the lungs, heart and digestive system while these organs develop. Attached to the uterine wall, the placenta delivers oxygen and nutrients from the mother’s blood through the umbilical cord to the baby.

The Terminology

Cervical effacement (aka thinning, softening, or ripening)
As labor approaches, hormones called prostaglandins transform the cervix from hard and inflexible to soft and stretchy—picture the consistency of your nose vs that of your lip. Effacement is measured in percentages. For example, a doctor may determine the cervix is 50% effaced, or halfway between not effaced and fully effaced.

Cervical dilation
As the cervix softens, it is able to dilate, creating a passage from the womb to the birth canal. Dilation is measured in centimeters, ranging from 0 (not dilated) to 10 (fully dilated).

Mucous plug
During pregnancy, the opening of the cervix is plugged with mucus, which protects the womb from outside infection. As the cervix dilates, this plug is dislodged and can pass through the vagina and, say, into a toilet. Its passing isn’t necessarily a sign that labor has started, but that it will start soon—usually within a few days.

Bloody show
Bloody show is a blood-tinged mucous plug. Because the blood is a result of ruptured capillaries in a dilating and effacing cervix, it is a sign that labor is underway.

Contractions
The tightening and relaxing of the uterine muscle, contractions push the fetus from the womb out into the real world.

Water breaking
Contractions, pressure from the descending fetus, or both cause the amniotic sac to rupture, sending a rush or slow trickle of amniotic fluid out of the womb. Most of the time (85%), labor precedes broken water. In almost all other cases, labor will begin within 24 hours. Regardless, broken water warrants a call to the doctor, because the fetus is no longer protected by the amniotic sac.

The Process: A 5 Step Guide to Birth

Nobody knows exactly how labor starts, but it’s believed that the fetus sends a message to the mother, informing her he’s ready for life outside the womb. From there, hormones trigger cervical effacement and contractions in the uterus.

Labor then progresses through 3 phases (early, active and transitional). Once the cervix dilates to 10cm, it’s time for pushing and delivery. After delivery of both the baby and placenta, your new family will be sent to postpartum for exams, monitoring, and other administrative items.

So, uh, how long does all this take?
Since no two births are the same, tying the process to a single timeline is often misleading—early labor alone can last several hours or several weeks, and both would be considered normal. But if your partner has the average birth for a first time mom, then your experience will look just like this:

The Many Roles of the Ultimate Labor Dad

If you’ve ever wondered how the female body can deliver an 8 pound baby, the short answer is it can’t—not without the hormones that promote labor. These hormones (oxytocin and endorphins) flourish in environments of relaxation, safety, and support. In a stressful or tense environment, however, the body produces adrenaline, which can impede labor and even cause complications.

Your role during childbirth is to create this tranquil environment, and the best way to do that is with preparation. Here’s what to expect and how to respond during each stage of the process.

Early Labor

Most often, early labor occurs at home. Use this time to a) help your wife relax—she’ll need the energy, and b) get things ready for the hospital.

Get ready. If you read our post on pregnancy, then you’re already packed. Nice job! If not, late is better than never, so install the car seat (baby legally can’t come home without one), and of equal importance, prepare your survival kit.

Know when to go: The 5-1-1 rule. First, know to call the doctor immediately if your partner experiences:

• Broken water
• Bright red bleeding or discharge
• Decreased fetal movement

Hopefully, and most likely, things will go smoothly, and you can follow your doctor’s instructions regarding when to call or come in—standard protocol being the 5-1-1 rule, or when contractions are 5 minutes apart, 1 minute in duration, and have been this way for 1 hour. Simple enough…assuming you know how to time contractions.

Time and record contractions. The life of a contraction is as follows: begins, increases in intensity, peaks, then subsides completely before the start of the next one.

• Duration is measured from beginning to end. The length of the contraction below is 1 minute.
• The time between contractions is measured from beginning of contraction 1 to the beginning of contraction 2. The time between contractions below is 5 minutes.

Early contractions will likely be 10-20 minutes apart, so don’t go overboard with the timer. If you—armed with a stopwatch—are continually in the face of a laboring woman, you might not live to see your child. Start with once an hour or so, and in the meantime…

Be a distraction. In a good way. Watch a movie, play Connect Four, take a walk. Do anything besides sit and stew on the fact that you’re literally having a baby.

Eat. This might be your last chance. This is also a good time for your partner to have a small snack (crackers, toast, cereal) IF her doctor says it’s okay to do so—the rules of eating during early labor vary by medical professional.

Know pain management techniques. While early contractions won’t take the breath away, they are uncomfortable. Here are 3 basic techniques for relief during early labor.

Apply counter pressure. Many women experience back labor caused by the baby’s head pressing against the pelvis. Applying pressure to the lower back can offer relief. Try tennis balls or the heels of your hand, and use a circular motion.

Suggest a position change. Doing so can relieve pressure from the descending fetus. Have her lie on her side with pillows between her legs, sit backwards on a chair like AC Slater, or get down on her hands and knees.

Alternate hot and cold. Have heat and ice packs on hand.

Active and Transitional Labor

Your role in the final stages of labor will depend on the birth plan. If your partner elects for a natural birth, learn about breathing and advanced pain management techniques commonly covered in birthing classes. If she elects to take pain relief like an epidural, the breathing methods commonly seen in movies won’t apply. My wife opted for an epidural, so some of this section is written from that experience.

Prepare for check in. Many hospitals now permit pre-registration, allowing you to complete a portion of the paperwork prior to arriving for delivery. If offered, certainly do this, because the less administrative bullshit required of a laboring woman, the better life is for everyone. Still, upon arrival, expect someone from the hospital to:

• Issue ID bracelets
• Ask you to sign some consent forms
• Show you to your room
• Give your wife a hospital gown
• Examine her cervix
• Start an IV (not all the time but often)
• Discuss pain medication
• Hook up the fetal monitor

Ask how to read the fetal monitor. Most hospitals use a fetal monitor—a device resembling a Power Ranger belt, which wraps around your partner’s belly and measures both fetal heart rate and contractions. The readings are then displayed on a monitor and printed on continuous feed paper.

Either by (poor) design or coincidence—maybe a nurse was out sick—I was in charge of reading the fetal monitor during my wife’s delivery. This was a big deal because, as is often the case with an epidural, she couldn’t feel her contractions. So as the monitor spiked I would say something like DURRRR get ready to push honey. Then she’d push, and I’d count 1-2-3-4-5-and-relax. Then the midwives and I would all hoot and holler and congratulate my wife on a great push.

Anyway, the more you understand, the more useful you can be, and the more useful you can be, the better you will feel.

Set the Mood. Once you get settled:

• Dim the lights.
• Control room temperature
• Massage your partner’s hands and feet
• Play some slow jams. Research shows that music decreases anxiety, in some cases more effectively than anti-anxiety medication. Seriously, Bose Soundlink Mini wins labor and delivery MVP. If you’re waiting to pull the trigger on a Bluetooth speaker, now is the time.
• Just be there. Hold her hand, look her in the eye, tell her everything is fine, and goddammit, you both are in this together.

Roll with the punches. The final stages of labor are intense and nerve-racking as your partner prepares—physically and emotionally—to deliver this baby. This is also when labor might start to get the best of her, so be flexible and don’t take it personally if one minute she’s asking that you rub her back and the next that you BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Update those who need updating. If you need to send one last update, do so now. Because with the cervix fully dilated to 10cm and the baby descended into position, it’s time for…

Pushing

What surprised me most about pushing was the synergy. It was nothing like the frantic fiasco I imagined. There was counting and resting and coordination as mom and contraction bore down together. The additional nurses who arrived for the main event each had a role. I had a role. The medical people will take the lead, so follow it, but be ready to assume the following responsibilities:

Contraction notifier. Using your newfound knowledge of the fetal monitor, as that little line starts to climb uphill, signalling a contraction, notify your wife so she can prepare to push.

Body part holder. If you’ve ever seen a dog take a shit, then you’re aware of the coordination involved. Every muscle from head to tail aligns and contracts so Spot can dump and get back to chasing squirrels.

The midwives continually instructed me to pull my wife’s legs and push on her back—like I was folding her in half—so she could bear down and ‘wrap around the baby’. I imagine this is the same efficiency of that in the shitting dog. It was hard work rolling my wife into prime pushing position, which makes it the perfect job for the strapping labor dad.

Encouraging progress updater. Because your wife is focused on pushing and isn’t best positioned to see the action, update her on the progress. When you see the head, tell her. Help her visualize the baby, and then stick that visualization in front of her like a rabbit at the race track. Eventually—in what is sure to be one of the most fucked up visuals of your very existence—the tiny, hairy baby skull will appear from the vagina (or crown), and delivery is imminent.

Delivery

Once the head is out, the doctor will likely halt the process to clear the mucus from your half-born baby’s nose and mouth. Then with one final guided push, the baby (and so much fluid) will burst from the vagina like the end of a water slide. You are now officially a father…congratulations and holy shit. Here’s how to deal:

Expect a newborn. I have never anticipated anything like the first sight of my child. I spent so much of the pregnancy imagining her appearance that—by the time the girl was born—she was almost mythical. Try not to do this, because a newborn isn’t pretty. Expect the following:

• Swollen face and genitals
• Cone-shaped head
• Pink or gray skin tone—pigmentation doesn’t show up until after birth
• A lot of vernix—a cottage cheese-like substance that protected baby in the womb

Know there is no right way to feel. 25-40% of new fathers report feelings of indifference after the birth of their child, while other dads cry tears of joy in the delivery room. This is a major life event. You’ll respond in your own way, and that’s okay.

Cut the umbilical cord. As soon as the baby is born, the doctor will clamp the umbilical cord and hand Jr. to your wife for skin to skin contact—this calms baby and regulates body temperature and heart rate. After a minute, you’ll have the opportunity to cut the cord, which has a consistency unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. Then baby is handed back to the staff where they will do the following:

• Assign an Apgar score based on an assessment of baby’s condition (appearance, pulse, reflex, tone, and respiration).
• Issue a matching ID band to prevent you going home with some random-ass baby.
• Measure height, weight, and head circumference.
• Apply eye ointment to prevent infection.
• Return baby to your wife as she prepares to deliver the placenta.

Prepare for the placenta. Anywhere from 5 to about 30 minutes after delivery of the baby, the placenta will detach from the uterine wall and descend through the birth canal. Once delivered, it will be examined—enthusiastically in some cases. The resident who analyzed my daughter’s ran over to show me the thing like he had just used it to win a science fair. It’s appearance was shocking, by the way, and most closely resembled that of a jellyfish having just been tossed from atop the Empire State Building. Be ready for it.

Anyway, now that your partner has completed both of her deliveries, she will be inspected and stitched (if necessary). Then the cleaning crew will come in and whisk away the fluids and bloody bedding, and within 10 minutes, it will look like nothing ever happened. Then you’ll pack your shit and your newly established family and head to the postpartum floor.

Postpartum

The main event is over, but your hospital adventure has just begun. Thanks to the 1996 Newborns’ Act, which mandates insurance agencies cover postpartum care for at least 48 hours after childbirth, you’re likely 2 days away from being home.

Now, it may be sooner—the average stay is 40 hours—but research shows that being discharged prior to 48 hours increases the risk of rehospitalization. Besides, there’s a lot to do and even more you’re gonna want to learn before you become the (oh god) primary caregiver.

Ask an insane amount of questions. The postpartum nurses spend entire days caring for newborns and recovering mothers. Additionally, most are experts on breastfeeding, which you’re about to discover is maybe the most frustrating aspect of newborn care. Who better to learn from than the pros? Watch and take notes as they swaddle, dress, and change baby. Here is a checklist of skills to acquire before discharge:

• Changing
• Burping
• Swaddling
• Dressing
• Sponge bathing
• Feeding and basic troubleshooting

Regulate visitors. Childbirth is a lot of things (emotional, exhausting, bloody). One thing it is not, however, is something I’d like to share with a shit ton of visitors. The room is small, your wife is recovering, your baby is adjusting, and the medical people are in and out constantly—all valid reasons to postpone visits until you get home.

Keep your wife comfortable. The hospital staff will assist with her recovery, but you can help with physical tasks like retrieving baby for feedings.

Let baby room-in. Years ago, babies stayed in a nursery while their mothers recovered in postpartum. You’ve probably seen the cartoons of a young couple staring through the window of a room lined with babies in bassinets—that’s the nursery.

Recent research, however, shows that the mom and baby who stay together (or room-in) in the days after delivery have an easier time breastfeeding and bonding. As a result, many hospitals now encourage rooming-in, while some have eliminated the nursery option altogether.

You, too, can bond. You don’t need boobs to bond with your baby. In fact, many studies show that a new father is just as nurturing as his partner. And even if you’re not a natural nurturer, bonding with a newborn is easy. The key? Take off your shirt and snuggle up. Skin to skin contact comforts baby, familiarizes him with your scent, and can help regulate his heart rate, breathing, and temperature.

Bring baby to his screenings. While chances are slim, some babies are born with life-threatening conditions that, without a screening, could go undetected. Because early intervention is critical in maximizing long term potential, all 50 states require some sort of newborn screening, including exams for hearing loss, congenital heart disease, and blood tests for approximately 50 other conditions.

Complete a few final administrative items.

1. Complete paperwork for a birth certificate.
2. Request a social security card.
3. Schedule baby’s first well-child visit with his pediatrician—typically 48 hours from discharge.

Enjoy the experience. The birth of your first child is a major milestone, so enjoy it. Because once you buckle that car seat and exit the hospital parking lot…you’re on your own. Welcome to The First Week of Fatherhood.

If you’re in your late twenties, then you already know…babies…they’re everywhere…

Your neighbor has one. Your coworker has one. Every person on your goddamn Facebook news feed has one, and by God, soon one of your buddies will have one.

What will you do? Should you call? Should you visit the hospital? Should you buy the baby a rattle? A lolli?

Oh good Christ, are you expected to hold this baby?! Babies are fragile. What if you drop him? Or crush him? You’ll smash his bones, you will.

Remember all those weddings last summer? Babies come next. Babies are the thing now. A big thing. But just relax. Take a breath. And take four minutes to learn all there is to know about visiting a newborn.

Express interest in seeing the child. Don’t make your buddy BEG you to see his kid. Even if you’re not big on babies, congratulate him on his major milestone and express interest in seeing his baby, once he and the new mother are ready.

Be patient and flexible. The labor and delivery experience is a lot of things (emotional, terrifying, bloody). One thing it is not, however, is something to share with a shit ton of visitors. Unless you have prior arrangements, leave the hospital visits to immediate family. And since even the first few days back home are spent adjusting to, well, everything, let the new parents schedule the visit.

Be healthy. If you have a cold, don’t go rubbing up on the new babes, man. Exposing a baby to a virus is dangerous, for both of you. For him because his immune system isn’t at full power yet, and for you because if you get this kid sick, his hormonal new mother might just carve your eyes from their sockets.

Bring a gift. If you’re a single guy, then bringing a gift probably seems reasonable. If you’re married, and this gift is in addition to a shower gift or pregnancy gift or any many other gifts your wife has likely already given the child and/or soon-to-be mother, this gift will seem like overkill.

Earlier this year, I protested the ‘baby visit gift’ when my wife wrapped what was, I swear to God, the tenth item we had given to the child of two friends of ours. My wife’s response was, when friends have a baby, you bring a gift; it’s what you do.

And to her credit, of the many visitors we had after our girl was born, all of them brought gifts. Every single one. So if you decide that you’ve already given enough, I concur, but you’ll probably look bad by comparison.

Anyway, if you’re not up to date on the latest baby stuff, why not bring something for the new parents? A buddy of mine brought my wife a bottle a cab and me some bourbon. Well done, Greg. Because of you, I remember nothing from my first week of fatherhood.

Bring (homemade) food. Wanna hear about the best enchiladas I’ve ever had? No? Well too bad.

So my wife’s labor lasted three days, and we spent two more in postpartum. During this five day birthing marathon, my food options were a) the hospital cafeteria and b) Davanni’s across the street.

The hospital cafeteria cuisine was everything you’d expect hospital cafeteria cuisine to be, so by default I was stuck with some variety of spicy lunch meat hoagie from Davanni’s. Twice a day. Everyday. By the time we were finally discharged, I had acquired a baby girl, ten pounds, and type 2 diabetes.

Upon returning home, our first visitors brought with them two pans of homemade enchiladas and OMFG. Seriously, preparing a meal as a new parent is the worst. It requires time, energy and the willingness to create and clean another mess. To have someone cook for you…it’s magic. Those enchiladas changed my life; they must be commemorated and eternalized. I shall name my daughter after them.

Expect a newborn. If you arrive expecting the goddamn Gerber baby, then you are going to be puzzled because a newborn looks nothing like the giggling infants used to peddle baby food. His entire 7 pound body was just forced from a birth canal, and it shows. His head is misshaped. He has no neck, and his swollen face looks like it just collided with Holly Holm’s left foot. When my daughter was born I had no idea newborns looked like this. Prepare yourself.

Wash your hands. Again, to keep the vulnerable baby healthy.

Hold the child. My advice to the guy horrified of baby holding: just hold the damn child. While wrapping your blundering man hands around a precious newborn may seem borderline negligent, babies are tougher than you think. More importantly, it’s easy. Here’s your guide:

Help out. My daughter was born twenty days early. At that point, my ‘before baby to-do list’ was about 80% complete. Any item that was unchecked on her birthday…still unchecked today. A newborn demands a shocking amount of time. You can’t prepare for it. So ask your buddy if you can help with something. Anything.

Keep it short. One of the biggest challenges as a new parent is establishing and adhering to any sort of schedule. In the early days, baby eats every 1-3 hours, sleeps (or doesn’t) whenever he wants, and pisses and shits himself seemingly on a continuous loop. Ten minutes after you satisfy all baby’s basic survival needs, the cycle resets and you do it all again. When you visit, the new family will be right in the middle of this bullshit. Don’t overstay your welcome.

Being a dad is one of life’s rare treasures, a milestone man cherishes alongside losing his virginity, getting married, and the day he discovers masturbation. And while having many weeks to attain this level of greatness, the first week of fatherhood is as good as none of these things. In fact, it’s much worse.

Your child is a crying, crapping ball of mystery. Your poor wife — having cooked this kid to 8 pounds and then forcing it from her vagina — is understandably not yet herself, and the trained medical professionals are back at the hospital, leaving you, the alpha male of this newly formed pack, spiraling through one nonstop holy shit moment.

Holy shit, what am I doing? Holy shit, my life is over. Holy shit, I’m the world’s worst father.

Of course, it doesn’t have to be this way. And could I take the responsible dad brain I have now and go back to that week, I would do things much differently. What follows is everything I wish I knew before fatherhood. My hope is it allows you to start off being a dad who is the shit, instead of one holy shitting his pants.

Get Your Mind Right: Caring for Yourself

A new family operates like a three person conga line. As the leader, baby does as he pleases, while you and your wife cling helplessly behind. You’ll be tempted to quit, to leave the conga-ing to your wife and baby. But they need you, and the best way to care for them is to first care for yourself.

Take time off. Never was my job more insignificant than during the first weeks of fatherhood. As it turns out, there is a biological reason for this. Researcher Anne Storey discovered that a man’s testosterone drops by as much as 1/3 after the birth of his child, which means a new father is wired to settle down at home. Take some time to be with your new family.

Know there is no right way to feel. 25-40% of new fathers report feelings of indifference after the birth of their child, while other dads cry tears of joy in the delivery room. This is a major life event. You’ll respond in your own way and that’s okay. Stay involved, work on the bonding techniques we’ll cover shortly, and soon the love for your child will hit you. And when it does, be ready…

Prepare for new and extreme emotions. The affection for your wife, the love from your dog, that night you drank a bottle of Merlot and cried through the ending of The Notebook — no emotional experience prepares you for fatherhood.

The feelings for your child are disarming; they tear away your tough guy layers like peels of an onion. And at a time when you want to feel responsible and in-control, it’s more likely you’ll feel helpless and vulnerable. You might worry.

Don’t worry, be happy. When we love something worrying comes naturally, especially something as fragile as a newborn. And while every new parent worries, remember this:

In the history of human existence, never has there been a safer time for your baby to be alive.

For thousands of years, babies were raised in caves, holes, huts, without electricity, and without modern medicine. Hell, they’re still raised this way. Learn about newborn safety, take precautions, but most importantly know what to look for.

Know the newborn warning signs. Call your health care provider if your baby experiences:

• yellow skin or eyes
• blueish or pale skin
• a fever (rectal temperature above 100.4 F)
• redness or infection around the umbilical cord or circumcised penis
• stiff or floppy limbs
• no stool for 48 hours or blood/mucus in the stool
• repeated vomiting
• drastic behavior changes

Stock the house with healthy food. A nutritious diet gives you the energy necessary to keep up with baby. More importantly, healthy food will speed your wife’s recovery and replenish the baby’s nutrients if breastfeeding. Pediatricians recommend a natural diet including lean protein, leafy green vegetables, and fruit.

Embrace abstinence. After birth, the default recommendation is no sex for six weeks. During this time, your wife will be inundated with new priorities all more important than your sexual gratification. Plan to be on your own, and even that may be a challenge. With mom and baby home and a revolving door of visitors, it’s not like you can set up PornHub headquarters in your living room and go to town whenever inspiration strikes. You’ll need to get creative.

Ask for help. Not necessarily with the abstinence part but for everything else. Adjusting to life with a baby is tough. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Your First Priority: Caring For Your Wife

Take a woman having just delivered a baby, sign her up for fulltime newborn care, and you will have one new mother who needs your help. A good start is to understand the aftermath of labor.

Physical Aftermath

Lochia is the bleeding from the site where the placenta was attached. It lasts about 3-6 weeks.

Uterine contractions feel like menstrual cramps and cause the uterus to shrink back to its normal size.

Physical damage along the birth canal. A baby was just born through a vagina. General soreness is common throughout the area, its supporting structures, and the muscles of the pelvic floor.

Hemorrhoids are common throughout pregnancy and even more so right after labor. Basically, the pressure from pushing results in swollen blood vessels of the rectum. Yup.

Engorgement typically occurs 3-4 days postpartum and is caused by increased blood flow to the breasts, swelling, and accumulation of milk. The pain can range from mild discomfort to intense and throbbing.

Cesarean section recovery requires extra care.

Emotional Aftermath

The baby blues affect about 70% of new mothers and can last hours, days or even weeks after birth. During this time, your wife may experience periods of weepiness, sadness, irritability, and anxiety, so, really, nothing you’re not already used to. Just be extra sensitive and know it will most likely be short lived.

Postpartum depression is a longer lasting, more intense, and much more serious bout of the baby blues. If your wife is experiencing the following symptoms more than 2 weeks after birth, it may be time to call your doctor.

• Feeling empty
• Lack of energy
• Lack of interest
• Significant changes in appetite

Though commonly believed to be a result of a new mother’s changing hormones, some researchers associate the baby blues with low levels of social support — specifically from the new father. This, of course, means you can improve what was previously believed to be a hormonal and uncontrollable phenomenon. And while there are many ways to help your wife, the most surprising and maybe most important is with breastfeeding.

Wifey’s Little Helper: Breastfeeding Assistant

Breastfeeding is often the most unpleasant of afterbirth surprises. It takes about 10 seconds to realize that your preconceived notions — mom offers teet, baby accepts teet, baby drinks milk for like 10 minutes, mom burps baby, everyone is happy — were absolutely asinine. At best, nursing grinds along as mom and baby coordinate supply and demand. At worst, it doesn’t work.

Adding further stress, most experts believe breastfeeding is critical to newborn development. Research shows that breastfed babies score higher on cognitive tests than those fed formula. Breast milk also contains ingredients like Taurine, an amino acid that a baby’s brain needs but cannot make on its own. Because of these and other benefits, John Medina, in his book Brain Rules for Baby, refers to breast milk as “The nutritional equivalent of a magic bullet.”

The difficulty of breastfeeding and potential of baby missing out on the benefits of breast milk can put a lot of pressure on a new mom. By doing just two things, you will vastly improve the feeding experience.

1. Educate yourself. Read the guides you received from the hospital, birthing classes and prenatal visits. Learn about latch, feeding positions, and supply issues. Serve as a consultant and help your wife troubleshoot. Stay involved and be supportive when things aren’t going well.

2. Burp and change diapers. The average newborn feeds every 2 hours. After eating, baby needs to burp and has most likely shit himself or will shit himself shortly. If you burp and change baby, your wife will have a few extra minutes before the next feed.

Wifey’s Little Helper: Other Responsibilities

Assume your wife’s old chores. Over the years, you and your wife have honed a systematic division of chores. You maintain the yard while she cleans the house. She cooks while you walk Spot. This is over, and you will now do all of these things. Baby monopolizes your wife’s time because babies don’t care about chores. Baby will say to hell with chore division, and then cry about it, and shit his pants.

Cook that healthy food. The FDA recommends that nursing mothers consume an extra 500 calories a day. Since a nursing mother is so often, well, nursing, you might have to step up your cooking game.

Regulate visitors. People love babies, man. Never is this more obvious than during the first week of parenthood. Visitors will line up, clamoring to get their paws on your child. If you’re not careful, you’ll be hosting house guests all the time. Don’t overbook and schedule visits based on baby’s feeding and sleeping schedule. Also, ask visitors to wash their hands before rubbing up on your child.

Keep the new mom off the internet. Parenthood is filled with questions, none of which is more common than Is this normal? Take this question online, and you will get 100 different answers. All unfavorable. Baby blogs and mommy forums are packed with hormonal new mothers scaring the collective shit out of each other. Google baby runny nose and I promise, if you look hard enough, you can diagnose it as a terminal illness. The web builds on inaccuracies like a schoolyard game of telephone. For at least the first week, skip the drama and call the pediatrician with any concerns.

Beginning to Bond: Taking Care of Jr.

In the 1950s, scientist Harry Harlow performed a heartbreaking but important experiment on infant attachment using newborn rhesus monkeys. He separated the monkeys from their biological mothers and placed them in cages with two dolls.

The first doll was made of wire and supplied food to the babies through an attached bottle of milk. The second doll provided no food and was made of soft cloth. Harlow then ran a series of tests to see which mother the baby monkeys preferred. In every variation of the experiment, the babies preferred the cloth doll to the wire doll with food.

Harlow concluded that the parent/infant relationship is built on more than just feeding, and that contact and comfort create the emotional attachment necessary for the psychological health of infants. As sad as this is for the monkeys, it’s a welcome discovery for a new father looking to bond but unable to produce breast milk.

Start now. I’m gonna assume you had this kid for the father/daughter or father/son relationship and not because you wanted to change diapers and never fuckin sleep again. And while baby is too young to go to his first ball game, you don’t have to wait two years to start bonding. Here are some activities that, if started right away, can lay the foundation for a lifetime bond. Almost like little bonding hacks.

Provide skin to skin contact. Touch is vital for baby’s development. Research has shown that skin to skin contact comforts baby and can regulate his temperature, breathing, and heart rate.

Get close and make eye contact. A baby sees up to 12 inches and is especially intrigued by faces. If you’re consistently within his range of sight, he’ll become familiar with your features. Soon the day will come when he recognizes you. That will be a good day.

Read to baby. Reading helps baby establish the building blocks of language. Since he is too young to understand reading material, read whatever is on your nightstand.

Talk to baby using “parentese”. Speak in a high pitched tone, stretch your vowels, and use a melodic voice. Because you’re slowing your speech and making your vowels more distinct, it helps baby learn the language.

Schedule daily bonding time. Habits form most easily when done at the same time, so every night as my wife gets ready for bed, I pick up my daughter, nestle her in my shirtless man sweater, and together we read one of my favorite children’s books. My hope is that we are establishing a bond that exists years from now, that soon I’ll be reading her favorites, and soon after that she’ll be reading them to me.

This is Only the Beginning: Surviving the First 3 Months

The first week of fatherhood is tough, but it is not the toughest. During the early days, the experience is fresh. You still have willpower, and adrenaline, and the blissful unawareness of what life is really like now.

When all of that shit dries up, when nothing is fresh because you’re living in filth, and when baby has slaughtered your adrenaline and willpower — that is when shit gets real.

My wife and I fondly refer to weeks 2-12 as the dark ages. Your dark ages survival guide can be found right here:

(Post coming soon)