A look back at your favorite childhood movies in all their corny, nostalgic glory.
The quack attack is back! Well, most of it is. About half actually. Half the quack attack is back, and joined by 5 new members, the former Ducks prepare to take on the world as Team USA in the upcoming Junior Goodwill Games.
Coach Gordon Bombay is also back and takes his spot behind the bench after a knee injury shatters his dreams of playing in the NHL. Hand picked by athletic apparel conglomerate and official Team USA sponsor, Hendrix Hockey, Bombay signs an unimaginably lucrative endorsement deal that makes him and Team USA overnight celebrities.
But can Bombay repeat his success with the Ducks on the national stage? And can Team USA defeat heavily favored Iceland and take home the gold? And just what in the fuck are the Junior Goodwill Games? All this and more right now as we remember D2!
The New Characters
Considered the most gifted skater in the country despite one very serious fault: He doesn’t know how to stop.
Useless as a standalone character, Portman’s value is tied to his relationship with equally pubescent big man Fulton Reed. Together they form the hard-rocking, bandana-wearing duo famously known as the Bash Brothers.
Cowboy from Texas whose family farm was apparently close enough to an ice arena where he was able to become the greatest puck handler in the world.
Street hockey junkie whose top-secret knucklepuck is further proof that any one trick pony can play for this goddamn team.
Former Olympic figure skater with no hockey experience.
Senior Vice President of official sponsor Hendrix Hockey Apparel. Tibbles was also responsible for the new recruits (except for Tyler who literally walks in off the street).
If I were Bombay, I would be livid with this guy. I’d be like, “Hey Don, why does each of my new kids have some glaring shortcoming? You had the entire country to choose from. Could you not find one complete hockey player? Mendoza can’t even stop, for Christ’s sake.”
I preferred D2 to the original Mighty Ducks when I was a kid, because children are misguided and stupid. But take it from me, a now full-grown man who has seen D2 four times this week, this is an inferior movie. The plot unfolds without logic or explanation, and as a result I have a few unanswered questions.
Who at the Junior Goodwill Games is Checking Birth Certificates?
Seriously, what is the average age on this Iceland team? These kids are either a) not children or b) on PEDs. I demand an investigation.
Why are the Bash Brothers Upset When They See Bombay Eating Ice Cream with the ‘Iceland Chick’?
If the Bash Bros are so ‘hip’ and ‘with-it’, shouldn’t they be bumping chests and giving knucks at the mere thought of their wiener coach wheeling a younger and much more attractive trainer of a rival team? Be consistent with what you think is cool, Bash Brothers.
What Kind of Apparel Company is Hendrix Hockey?
As far as I can tell, Hendrix only manufactures the Team USA jersey. The gloves, sticks, helmets, etc. are all provided by actual, real-life equipment brands. This raises the question: how many jerseys will Hendrix have to sell to recoup the cost of this sponsorship, especially with Don Tibbles spending cash like he’s printing it? Let’s take a look at some of his more questionable expenses:
- Signs Bombay to a lucrative endorsement deal
- Puts Bombay up in a condo on the beach
- Hosts a party at said condo
- Hires catering and cocktail waitresses for said party
- Hires models, makeup artists and fashion designers for a Bombay photo shoot
Why Doesn’t Team USA Have a Trainer?
So Hendrix ponies up for fancy hor d’oeuvres and Bombay’s posh condo on the beach but decides against any formal training staff? Meanwhile, poor Banks has a fractured wrist and Bombay, a man with zero medical experience, is diagnosing it using some bizarre stick rotation exercise. Worst sponsor ever.
What are the Junior Goodwill Games?
I was surprised to learn that the Goodwill Games were a real thing in the 90s. There’s no mention of a ‘Junior’ competition, and if there were, no way was it the media circus this movie makes it out to be. But in a world where Flying Vs and roping penalties are the norm, the Junior Goodwill Games aren’t that far-fetched.
What is Bombay Thinking with that Duck Call?
Prior to the scene you see above, where Bombay strolls into a sold out arena in the middle of his team’s game blowing a duck call like some horse’s ass, he decides he needs to do a little soul-searching. So he straps on some rollerblades and cruises around on the beach. Meanwhile, his team, one loss away from elimination, nearly forfeits because they don’t have a coach. What are you doing? Get your shit together, Gordon.
Bombay’s Championship Coaching Strategy
This is the genius of The Minnesota Miracle Man, folks:
Tie Players Together to Promote Team Bonding
Analysis: Incredibly dangerous.
Analysis: An incredibly wasteful use of ice time.
Have Dwayne Rope Players Like They’re Cattle
Analysis: Just throwing that ice time away now.
Construct a Pop Can Wall to Teach Mendoza to Stop
Analysis: Incredibly unnecessary.
The Move Most Reenacted Throughout 90s Childhoods
It’s the knuckle puck, which is a pretty solid move because it actually works. Like, any snot-nosed kid with a stick and a street hockey puck can walk to the driveway and execute a decent knuckle puck.
Complimentary Quote for the Road
Bombay: I’m not a lawyer; I’m a player. I was this close to the NHL. I was back in the game, and MAN I was alive.