A look back at your favorite childhood movies in all their corny, nostalgic glory.
After getting busted for maybe the most careless DUI in Minnesota’s state history, hot-shot attorney and former peewee hockey GAWD Gordon Bombay is sentenced to 500 (500!?) hours community service coaching the District 5 youth hockey team.
Overcoming the odds that a man with a serious drinking problem is more likely to hurt impressionable young children than to help them, Bombay rallies the team to a surprising playoff run.
But does he go all the way? Does The Minnesota Miracle Man take this team to title town and thwart his former coach and meanest man on earth, Jack Reilly? You know he does. And does he do so in a fashion that makes The Mighty Ducks an hour and 40 minutes of nonstop family fun? Oh, does he ever. Let’s take a look.
Worst player on the team and whiny, ungrateful child-baby, who from 1-10 on the Little Shit Scale registers a fuckin 11. When I watched this movie as a kid, I wanted to punch and kick his stupid face. As an adult, I want to sit him down and teach him a lesson on appreciation.
Before Bombay shows up, these kids are practicing in football helmets and using newspaper for shin pads, not to mention they’re outside. Do you know how miserable outdoor practice is in Minnesota? When I was a kid, I would have severed a frozen foot if it meant I never had to practice outside again. But not Peter. Nope. As a thank you to Bombay for the indoor ice and 8 grand in hockey gear, Peter refuses to wear a Ducks jersey, the only real jersey he’s ever owned, then stages a mutiny because he’s too goddamn stupid to know sarcasm when he hears it. Fuck you, Peter. It’s no wonder you didn’t make the sequel.
Mama’s boy and coaches’ pet whose motive throughout the film is not to win the peewee state championship but to get his mom in bed with Coach Bombay. Never has there been a child so into playing wingman for his own mother, and I can’t decide whether it’s honorable or gross and weird.
Averman serves as the mandatory source of comic relief essential to any family comedy, this despite the fact that he never says anything actually funny. If The Mighty Ducks were a sitcom, the producers would run the laugh track dry anytime Averman launched into his SNL Richmeister rip-off. The Pete-meisterrr. Mr Rabble-rouserrr. Passing the puck over to Jesse-rooneee. The Enforcerrr. The Connie-meisterrr. But even the most elite laugh track on earth couldn’t disguise the fact that Averman is about as funny as the death of your family dog.
Coach Jack Reilly
What is wrong with this man? And how has he been allowed to coach young children for 30 years? He belongs in jail, and then hell. Just listen to some of the shit he says:
[As a pep talk, before a 10 year old Bombay takes (and fails to score on) a penalty shot]: Alright Gordon, it’s up to you. Now you miss this shot, you’re not just letting me down you’re letting your whole team down too. Remember, it’s not worth playing if you can’t win.
[To Bombay 20 years later when he first discovers Gordon is now coaching against him]: Boy, I wish they’d take that one down. [Points to the 2nd place banner, the result of Gordon’s missed penalty shot]. Don’t you? [Smirks]. Well, good luck. You’re gonna need it. [Smirks again]. [Walks away].
[After the first goal against Gordon’s District 5 team, the worst team in the league]: All right, all right! Let’s run it up! Run it up! Run it up!
[Same game with a 15-0 lead and 5 mins left in the third period]: Hey, hey, hey, knock it off! Knock if off! Against this team, we should have twice as many. Now let’s run it up! Remember, it’s not worth winning if you can’t win big!
[Same game after a 17-0 victory]: Hey, hey, hey knock it off. That was a lousy third period. Anybody could beat these pansies.
[5 seconds later]: Hey, Gordon! Nice game. I enjoyed it thoroughly. [Pops collar]. [Walks away].
[Later in the movie after Gordon uses his lawyer tricks to get Adam Banks reassigned to the Ducks]: Gordon. Hey Bombay! You stop when I’m talking to you, son! Why’d you turn against me, Gordon? For 6 years, I taught ya how to skate. I taught ya how to score. I tought ya how to go for the W. You could have been one of the greats. And now look at yourself. You’re not even a has-been. You’re a never-was.
[During the championship game with Banks now a Duck]: I want you to drop Banks like a bad habit. I want him outta this game. Finish him off. You got it?
Finish him off? Who puts a bounty on a 10 year old?
How to Win a Peewee State Championship in 6 Easy Steps
Gordon Bombay earned his title as The Minnesota Miracle Man, because what he did during the ’92 peewee hockey season was nothing short of miraculous. In, like, 3 short months he takes a team yet to score a goal, and void of all basic hockey sense, and creates a powerhouse good enough to knock off the 17 time defending champion. If you’re looking to recreate his success, here’s your road map in 6 steps:
1. Provide Real Equipment
Analysis: How was District 5 allowed to play without facemasks?
2. Recruit Brother and Sister Figure Skating Duo Tommy and Tammy Duncan
Analysis: Alright Tammy, go twirl in front of the net. And Tommy, when the Hawks become so distracted that they forget they’re playing hockey, pass to Tammy for the wide open shot.
3. Recruit Fulton Reed
Analysis: But as a tryout, first have him rip slapshots through two of your van windows.
4. Take a Rollerblading Field Trip
Analysis: Fulton can’t skate. Fortunately, Bombay knows the best way to hone basic skating skill is by rollerblading through the downtown skyway.
5. Use Eggs to Teach Soft Hands
Analysis: Concentration not strength.
6. Use Lawyer Tricks to Acquire Adam Banks
Analysis: Banks scores a hat-trick like every game so this was a solid, albeit controversial move.
Is the Hawks dynasty the greatest in all of sports? The Hawks appeared in 21 straight championships from 1971 to 1992, winning all but this one and the one Bombay choked away in ’73. No way opposing parents would stand for this. Darla Brown and her gaggle of hockey moms would be burning bags of shit on the steps of the Youth Hockey Association. Peewee hockey is about fair play and purple participation ribbons. It’d be two years before the Hawks were dismantled and redistributed to even out the talent pool.
The Move Most Reenacted Throughout 90s Childhoods
The triple deke.
Bombay: Karp, how many fingers am I holding up?
Peter: He wouldn’t know that anyway.
Second Best One-Liner
Bombay: What are you laughing at, cream cheese boy?
Bombay: You really quaked at the principal? Are we ducks, or what?
Complimentary Quote For the Road
Bombay: Now here’s the long and the short of it: I hate hockey, and I don’t like kids.